


To See You Go

by superangsty



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Kinda, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 17:32:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10598790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superangsty/pseuds/superangsty
Summary: “You wish for me to step down from my role as your first officer, to…”“To leave the Enterprise, yes,” Jim finished, eyes focused on the wall past Spock’s shoulder.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've not actually written fic in a long time - this was an old tumblr ficlet which I found when searching through my files, and I really quite like it so I thought I'd post it here! Enjoy!

“You need to go.”

Spock, making no attempt to move, watched Jim silently for a few moments. His expression was as emotionless as ever, if not more so. Occasionally he would open his mouth as if to speak, eyebrows rising slightly as he did, but he never got as far as actually saying something, instead closing his mouth and returning to staring.

Finally, he spoke, his tone even and controlled. “I see.” He stopped again, tilted his head slightly.  “You wish for me to step down from my role as your first officer, to…”

“To leave the Enterprise, yes,” Jim finished, eyes focused on the wall past Spock’s shoulder.

Spock’s eyes remained fixed on Jim, not moving even slightly. “May I ask what instigated this, Captain?”

“May _I_ ask you something?” Jim replied, choosing to completely ignore Spock’s question. “Why are you still here? You’ve been a first officer longer than I’ve even been a captain, you’re by far the most competent officer in the ‘fleet…” He took a deep, shaky breath, “You could ask the admiralty for any ship that they have to offer and they’d give it to you, without a moment’s hesitation. So, Commander, tell me. Why are you still here?”

Following Jim’s suit, Spock also ignored the question directed at him, instead locking eyes with Jim and continuing to quietly watch him. “That is not why you want me to leave.”

“No, Spock, it’s not.” With a sigh, Jim wiped his hands down his face and stood up, walking around his desk to stand in front of Spock. 

“Captain,” Spock’s emotionless mask had begun to slip, and in his eyes Jim could see that he was exhausted, both physically and emotionally “it is well known that I am not prone to acting emotionally, but you must understand that in my years serving aboard the Enterprise, this ship has become my home, more so than Vulcan or Earth could ever be. If you order this of me I will respect your authority, but if you are asking on less official terms, then without a valid reason from you I am afraid I cannot simply walk away from everything I have come to know.”

“Alright. Alright, forget I said anything. Forget we had this discussion.” Jim moved past Spock, began walking towards the door. “It’s getting late, I’ll see you on the bridge tomorrow.”

A strong hand wrapped around Jim’s arm, stopping him from moving any further. “Captain – Jim – whatever it is, you can tell me. I could not react emotionally.”

Jim turned quickly, grabbing the back of Spock’s neck and roughly pulling him down so their faced were at the same level. Not leaving enough time for Spock to react, not even enough time to look at him, Jim crashed their mouths together and kissed him with everything he had. The kiss was rough, and over almost as soon as it began, leaving the two of them short of breath, and Spock searching for words that Jim doubted he’d be able to find.

“That’s why.”

“You…”

Tears prickled in Jim’s eyes as he continued, his volume rising. “I can’t bear it, Spock! It’s been so many years and I just – I can’t take it anymore, I can’t just sit back and pretend that I don’t – I can’t sit back and quietly watch as your life slowly moves away from me, as you meet someone, and fall in love, and – I can’t do it, Spock, it’ll kill me.”

“…Me?”

Jim shrugged, forcing casualness. “It’s always been you. Right from the start.”

“You.”

“Are you planning on using more than two words?” Jim asked, with a huff of laughter. “What happened to ‘no emotional reaction’?”

It took a while for Spock to speak again, his eyes darting around the room as his mind surely was running through a thousand possibilities and calculations. “I do not – I do not understand. You…”

“I love you, Spock.”

“So it would seem. I cannot, I – “ He stiffened, suddenly snapping back into Starfleet Commander Spock. “Our shift begins in 4.5 hours. I must rest.”

Before Jim could respond, Spock had left the room, doors swishing closed behind him.

 

*

 

When Jim arrived on the bridge for alpha shift the next morning, Spock was, as always, already there. He was sat down at his console, intently focused on his work despite the shift not starting for another ten minutes. On hearing Jim stepping onto the bridge he rose from his seat and greeted him with a ‘captain’, waiting for Jim to respond and give him a nod so he could sit back down. It was exactly like every other morning on the ship.

It was nothing like every other morning on the ship.

Any other morning, Jim would have actually got some sleep the night before and would have arrived to the shift well rested and in a decent mood. Spock would have come to stand by his side when he sat down in the captain’s chair, and they would have chatted about the business of the day until the rest of the crew started to show up. But instead of that, Jim was alone at his chair, sorting through PADDs and trying not to stare too long at Spock, who was still bent over his console and hadn’t said a word to Jim since greeting him.

Knowing that the others would be arriving soon, Jim asked “Mister Spock? A word?”

Spock still didn’t turn, but he did respond with “Yes, Captain?”

“Ah,” Jim started, trying to think of the best way to phrase it, “concerning last night’s discussion – “

“ – I do not believe this is an appropriate topic for the workplace.” Spock cut him off, visibly stiffening.

“Fine, so we’ll postpone to when the shift is over. My office. Is that acceptable to you, Commander?”

Spock just nodded, lips pursed, and turned back to his console.

Jim wanted to say more, wanted to say anything at all if it had even the slightest chance of putting things back to the way they were, but try as he might the words wouldn’t come to him. Soon enough officers started trickling in, all in varying stages of being awake, and everything became busy enough that Jim had to push any thoughts of Spock to the side.

 

*

 

After the shift finally ended, Jim quickly turned down any invitations to meet people in the rec room, rushing off the bridge and into his office. He didn’t even have the time to sit down before the doors swished open again, and Spock entered, practically gliding across the room until he was in front of Jim.

“You wished to speak with me, Captain.”

Almost instinctively, Jim replied “We’re off duty, call me Jim,” before reminding himself that it was perhaps not the best idea to behave as though nothing in their friendship had changed. He sighed. “I need to know if you’ll be taking my advice and transferring to another ship. I need – “ he  would need time to adjust to the reality of Spock leaving, but he wasn’t prepared to say that. “ – I need to get started on the paperwork, if that’s the case. There’s bound to be a lot of it.”

“I will not be leaving. I made my position on that quite clear last night.”

Jim shook his head slightly. “You didn’t make anything clear last night, Spock.”

“I informed you that I would not leave without a valid reason, and you did not present one to me,” Spock replied, his eyes steadily looking into Jim’s, “I see no need for further discussion.”

“And the other thing?”

“You are… my friend. And you have been alone for so long that it has made you foolish.”

Unable to bear Spock’s intense gaze any longer, Jim turned to face his desk instead. “What are you saying?”

There was silence for a while, only the sound of Spock’s breathing to reassure Jim that he was even still there. “You do not love me, nor could you ever.”

“You truly don’t see it?” Jim asked, bracing his hands on the side of the desk. “Everyone else does, I’d always assumed that you knew and were just choosing to ignore it.”

“You cannot…” Spock said, voice barely above a whisper.

Finally, Jim turned, straightened up, and put on his captain voice. “I hope this doesn’t affect our working relationship, Mister Spock.”

“Never.”

“That’s all I ask,” Jim replied, softly, and even though he knew it wasn’t it felt like a goodbye.

Rather than leave, Spock glanced up at the ceiling, and then down at the ground. His eyes remained fixed on a point on the floor. “The Guardian of Forever. New York.”

All of Jim’s thoughts came to a halt at once. “What?”

“That,” Spock drew out the syllable, raising his eyes to meet Jim’s once again “, was when I knew.”

“About my feelings? That’s impossible.” The memories of New York were crystal clear in Jim’s mind, and so he knew for certain that it had been before he had managed to make sense of his emotions.

Spock ignored what Jim had said. “You were infatuated with Miss Keeler. We were in an unfamiliar environment, our only ties to home were one another. And yet still you chose to pursue this woman, allowed her to eventually break your heart. Watching you, I realised…”

Jim was frozen in place, both wishing that Spock would continue and also dreading what he would say.

“…I was jealous.” Oh. _Oh._ “At first I assumed it was merely attraction. You are, after all, a very aesthetically pleasing man. In fact, it was only after I had recovered from my pon farr that I realised it was considerably more serious than that. I believe we may be t’hy’la.”

After taking a moment to compose his thoughts, Jim said “T’hy’la is a myth, a fairytale.”

That earned Jim an eyebrow raise, surprise at his knowing about such a closely guarded Vulcan secret. “It is rare, but there are documented instances. And none for over a century.”

“Telling me that we’re soulmates still doesn’t explain your behaviour yesterday, though.” Jim felt somewhat hostile towards Spock all of a sudden, half of his brain telling him to leap into Spock’s arms and the other half saying that it was all an elaborate trick.

“You caught me off guard. For a long time, I have been accustomed to the idea that I could not have you. I was disbelieving, and unable to form a response. I am sorry.”

Jim took a step closer to Spock, their faces close enough together that he could feel Spock’s breath on him. Without breaking his eye contact with Spock, he extended his first two fingers and placed them on the back of Spock’s hand at his side. Spock’s breath hitched. “You are aware that – “

“ – Yes.”

“So does this mean...?”

“I think it means we’re going to be okay.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave comments/kudos!


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